Sardine Can Weekly Update Archive
Wednesday, April 15th, 2009 Update
Dear Wipers of Other People's Bottoms:
Photos from our 10th Annual Master's Bar tour this past Saturday are up and can be viewed at:
The photos are pretty damn good, but the videos are even better with player interviews, barfing, rumpshakers, etc. We had to set up two separate video galleries to hold them all. Warning: if the "C-word" offends you, just skip this part. Actually, you should probably avoid the Sardine Can altogether.
Check out the videos at:
Master's weekend is one of our favorite weekends of the year. Spring is here, golf is near and before the courses open for the season, it's the perfect chance to practice the truly important aspects of the game: dressing in tacky clothes and boozing heavily. The Master's Bar Tour is now in it's 10th year and is essentially a drinking contest amongst grown men who should know better. Their livers can no longer metabolize alcohol quick enough to avoid massive embarassment and their bodies don't recover for about 3 days. However, the winner has bragging rights forever, a green jacket nobody can seem to find and the satisfaction of knowing he can drink like a Sham-Wow for 12 hours and still remain erect (standing that is, not sexually).
We started the 2009 Master's Bar Tour at the Sardine Can for the obligatory photo and a couple Pabst. From there our goal was to hit 18 bars - like the 18 holes on a golf course. It's a nice goal, but we've never made it past 13. We always start out on the far east side (East Town Pub, Bar East, Gilhooleys, Escapades) and work our way westward (Van Boxels, Skirtz, Bomb Shelter) and end up downtown (Firehouse, blur, blur blur) and end up at the Sardine Can (complete blank) for the awards ceremony. Zim took home the drinking trophy because he can really pound booze and cuz defending champion Brett was at a wedding. The Hootie award for the player who offended the most women during the course of the evening should probably go to Brooksie - whose tolerance for whiny bitches is about the same as a Navy Seal's tolerance for pirates. .
On another Master's note, the annual Master's Pool was won by Boyd's mom Patti. She was the only woman in the field and brought home some sweet cash. Everyone of her five players made the cut and finished under par - a stellar achievement. Big Chuck was the all-time Master's Pool cash winner and now Patti is keeping it in the family. Congrats also to Daroni from Arizona (2nd place) and Charger Chuck from L.A. (3rd place). Say Patti, who do you like in the Kentucky Derby!!!???
Tiki Bar to open this Thursday (tomorrow)!!!
It's about damn time the weather cooperated. We're cleaning up the remnants of winter and will have the Tiki Bar open tomorrow afternoon/evening and Friday too. After that, it's weather permitting and we'll play it by ear. Come on down, have a Corona, sit in a swinging seat and try to forget for a while that Green Bay's motto should be: "Green Bay. It ain't the North Pole, but we can see it from here". Soon the college girls will be back to serve all your outdoor boozing needs too. Ah, summer.
Chris Hansen Sober!!!! Chris Hansen Sober!!!!
Alert the media. Chris has not had a drink or a smoke for two weeks now!!! This amazing turn of events has tremendous bearing on the Chris Hansen Organ Failure Pool. Your choices for which one of his organs would fail first were:
1) Liver, (2) Kidneys, (3) Lungs, (4) Knees, (5) Ears or (6) Prostate/Bunghole
Vegas odds have shifted dramatically and now rate the liver most likely to go. This may seem counter-intuitive, but you put that much booze thru a liver for that long and then stop suddenly, it will regenerate unnecessarily out of habit and explode thru his rib cage. The smart money's on the liver.
A more proper re-hab method would have been an I.V. drip of Crown Royal - gradually backed off over a 3 month period to just a small portion of the usual daily dosage. Say maybe bring it down to a quart a day from a gallon. This is how Courtney Love got off the crack. And onto heroin.
Chris says he's remembering things from years ago that he had forgotten. Like his children's names, his anniversary, where he left his golf swing and how to get a boner. Chris Hansen: Also available in sober!!!
Cigarettes are $9 a pack!!!
With the new federal cigarette tax kicking in, vending machine cigs are now up to $9 a pack. That's insane. We told the vending machine guy to take out the cigarettes and we are now selling butts left in our ashtrays for $3 a 20-pack. Even less for the ones we take out of the urinal. Hey, in a bad economy you gotta cut back.
Also, since the feds can't tax the butts to pay for (insert worthless government program for the lazy here), we will be using this money for our own personal stimulus package. Namely, massive quantities of Viagra, Cialis, Lavitra and Extendz. We read somewhere that if you take all these pills at once you get a raging boner that lasts for three days but your penis will explode like a party favor if you add Schlitz to the mix. We'd like to be the first to volunteer for that clinical trial.
The problem with any of these sexual aids is that they are all like amusement park rides: you wait an hour for a ride that lasts about a minute.
SYBIL'S CANCER FOUNDATION FUNDRAISER
For those of you that knew and loved Sybil Seehawer (who didn't), her memory lives on in a special Cervical Cancer Fundraiser to be held Saturday, May 16th at the Apple Creek Inn in DePere.
Lt. Governor Barbara Lawton will be the Special Guest Speaker and there will be a performance by Let Me Be Frank Productions. Tickets are $75 each or a table of 8 for $500. Admission includes dinner, show, live auction and dancing.
More information can be found at www.sasfoundation.org or by calling (920) 371-1041.
Sybil, we really, really miss you.
Comeback of the Week:
Charger Chuck's Grandma: "You know, boys were much politer back in my day. They're rude now."
Charger Chuck: : "That's because they're not trying to fuck you anymore Grandma"
Quote of the week:
"If you do a bodyshot off me now, there will be cum in it" - girl at Bar East during Master's Bar Tour
T-shirt of the week: I can't bang you. I'm already at rock bottom.
This weekend's lineup of lazy, worthless tip whores taking up space behind the bar:
Friday nite: Jen W (4-8), Jen K (8-close), Julie (8-close)
Note: Tonight all the cool bartenders will be at Bar East checking out the Dot Dot Dot band (they rock!)
Saturday nite: Angie and Wendy
That's all for now lushes. See you at the Tiki Bar. Photos of the week below.
Boyd & Chris
The Sardine Can - "Always Packed"