Sardine Can Weekly Update Archive
Friday, February 13th, 2009 Update
Dear Pabst, Schlitz and Hamm's Hammerers:
3-Year Anniversary Bash - Thursday, February 19th
Somehow this shithole has managed to survive three years of poor management, horrible music, shitty service, bad publicity and numerous visits from the fire and health inspectors. We plan to celebrate this stunning accomplishment the only way we know how....... boozing!!!
We have a very hot staff working that nite: Erica, Jen W. and Briana And they have just informed us that they plan to work in bikinis that nite. We warned them that this will surely mean a roomful of leacherous men ogling them all nite and their response was: "That would be different how???"
- Free "I got Schlitz faced at the Sardine Can" t-shirts to the 1st 100 customers
- All Miller products will be $2.
- Schlitz for $2. The usual price but to us that's always "special"
- Free snacks from 3 to 8
- Hot bartenders in bikinis
- Did we mention hot bartenders in bikinis?
Please attend our Third Anniversary Event - the chances of us making it to Four are slim.
Harry the Hipster Reunion - Saturday, February 21st
If you were ever a fan of Harry's this is the night to be at the Can. We'll have the old Harry's props including but not limited to:
Candy Necklaces and Ring Pops
Barrel of Monkeys and Connect Four
Bartenders in 70's garb
Lots of Disco
Abba and more Abba
Boone's Farm by the case
Boyd working in Roller Skates
...and all the old Harry's bartenders will work a shift that nite in full garb. Apparently, we also have a large contingent coming in from Kewaunee (translation: professionals) to critique every song choice like it's the only song they'll ever hear for the rest of their lives. Should be a blast.
So far, we have RSVP's from the following former Harry's bartenders:
Dave, Terry, Steph, Dan, Led, Nancy, Nicole, Courtney, Allison, Amber and yes, Billy!!!
Joke of the week #1:
A man walks into an ER with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
"I was playing golf with my wife," he tells the doctor, "when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
Joke of the week #2: "I just got into a fight with my girlfriend. Man are my arms tired."
T-shirt of the week: Photo of Obama and underneath it says "WELCOME BACK CARTER"
Quote of the week #1: "I asked my son if he was gay because he never brought a girlfriend home from college. He said "NO WAY!!!" But I told him that I wouldn't mind if he was. Actually, I want a gay son because when I'm old and decrepid a gay son would take GOOD care of me." - Wendy B.
Quote of the week #2: "This economy sucks. I can't even afford to do the things that will get me divorced!!" - name withheld to protect his penis
Great video clip: If you're fans of The Onion like we are, you will really appreciate this video:
Miscellaneous Boyd Ranting
If you've never read any of Boyd's rants, here's a link to a classic he wrote a while back along with an even better response from Chewy:
Right now there are a couple of things that are really irritating Boyd and here's his diatribe:
Old Guys in the Locker Room - Cover that shit up!!!
I recently joined a local gym and it's a nice place. Fancy weight room, sauna, steam room, all that bullshit. However, it never fails that after a workout I head to the locker room and some 70+ year-old guy is walking around naked and ends up with a locker right next to mine. I'm usually sitting down tying my shoes or something and the next thing you know an uncircumcised pecker that's older than Phyllis Diller is about 1 foot from my face. You know what one of those looks like? It looks like a hot dog that's been on the cooker for two days at Seven-Eleven. And that image stays in your brain for days until (a) you see your girlfriend naked or (b) you see something even nastier - which is almost impossible. So, if you don't have a girlfriend it's seared in your brain for weeks. Why can't these guys put on a towel? Do they just not give a shit or do they feel like the gym locker room is their own nudist-colony country-club? Cover that shit up!!!
Do the women do this in the women's locker room? Bet some of those senior hoo-ha's look like an old catchers mitt.
Stimulus Package - Give me a break!!!
First of all, let me just say that I love the term "stimulus package" It's only a matter of time before there's a porn movie by that name. However, letting the government try to fine-tune the economy is like watching two monkeys try to fuck a football - funny to watch but just ain't gonna happen. How about we just eliminate the obscenely high corporate tax completely and then just get the hell out of the way cuz an economic steamroller would be coming!!! Actually, it's smart politics by the the Democrats because they are buying all the votes they'll need for a long time. I totally disagree with any kind of government spending to "stimulate the economy" but if it has to be done here's where I think it should be spent and why:
1) $1 billion to study why so many people drink "craft brews" when Schlitz is readily available. If your beer has more than one syllable in its name, you're wasting money. And you're a pussy.
2) $300 million to open 100 Sardine Cans in large cities throughout the country. I know, I know, $3 million each is pretty pricey, but Chris & I command large "consulting fees". However, the big benefit will be that everyone will "buy American" since we will only serve Schlitz, Hamms and Pabst.
3) $3 billion to create a WHITE vibrator that can compete with "Big & Black Looking for Crack".
4) $100 billion to create what we cheeseheads call a "bridge to somewhere". It will be a bridge with only two exits: Green Bay and Key West. Speed limit: 200 mph. One lane northbound, four south.
Bartending Lineup this Weekend
This weekend's lineup of lazy, worthless chain-smoking tip-whores is:
Friday the 13th: Hansen and Jen W.
Saturday (Valentine's Day): Jen K. with Boyd & Zim (two losers with no dates)
Vibrator Races this Saturday Nite!!!
Race #1: Special Valentine's Day Session
Lane 1) Better than Chocolate
Lane 2) BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend)
Lane 3) Fuck Relationships - give me my Toy!!
Race #2: Recent Race Winners
Lane 1) Pussy Plunger
Lane 2) Taint Tickler
Lane 3) Muff Mangler
Alumni Club Specials this Month
Mondays $1 tappers
Wednesdays $1 tappers
Thursdays Drink FREE from 8-9 (excludes shots)
That's all for now lushes. Photos of the week are below. See you at The Can.
Boyd & Chris
The Sardine Can "Always Packed"