Sardine Can Weekly Update Archive
Thursday, May 21st, 2009 Update
Dear beer sucking hogs:
We know, we know, it's been a while since we put out an update. All you people that keep sending us emails bitching about it can just shut the hell up. Most of you are out of work and bored - we understand. Tell you what, you start shelling out cash for a subscription and we'll make sure to get it out every week. Maybe. For now, just relish the fact that we pretend to know and like you and read on.....
Lingerie Nite:
The first Lingerie Nite of the summer will be next Friday, May 29th. The college girls are back from school and eager to slut it up for the leacherous men that have no chance (but will continue to fund their college educations). If you missed the lingerie nites last summer, you can check them out in our photo gallery at: http://www.thesardinecan.com/spgm/index.php?spgmGal=LingerieNight
Those photos alone are enough to keep a lot of guys in this town at home in a locked room with their computer while the kids put their eye out on something dangerous in the garage. After all, a man has got to have priorities.
Golf Outing:
We have renamed our annual golf outing "The Chuck Konowalski Memorial Golf Outing" in honor of Boyd's dad "Big Chuck" who recently passed away. Big Chuck loved to play golf and even though he wasn't very good, he always managed to take everybody's money by the end of the round with some creative sidebets. A skill Boyd is beginning to master as well.
Lots of people have been calling and emailing about info since it's become common knowledge that it's a wild-ass time.
Here's the poop:
Date: Monday, July 13th. 10 am shotgun start
Location: Royal Scot Golf Course
$100 per person gets you 18 holes (of golf you pervert), cart, lunch, dinner, drink tickets, prizes and awards. It also gets you into the pre-party on Sunday, July 12th with great food, no cover Reggae Band (Unity - outside in the Tiki Bar area) and ridiculous drink specials.
If that still hasn't convinced you to sign up, just check out our photos from the previous two outings at:
http://www.thesardinecan.com/spgm/index.php?spgmGal=Golf%20Outing%20and%20Pig%20Roast
http://www.thesardinecan.com/spgm/index.php?spgmGal=GolfOuting2008
If you want a sign-up form, just email Chris at [email protected]
Vibrator Races this Saturday Nite!!!!
Boyd is finally back from weekend trips to Gulf Shores, Chicago and the Kentucky Derby and will grace us with his shitty service, crappy music and dull MC'ing of the Vibrator Races on Saturday nite.
Saturday Nite's Thoroughbred Vibrator matchups are:
Race 1:
1) Grind that Bird
2) Stimulus Package
3) Big and Black Looking for Crack
Race 2:
1) Backdoor Boozewhore
2) Put it in the Pooty-Poo
3) Takin it to the Sheets
First post time is 10:30 or whenever the hell Boyd feels like it. Official starter for Race #1 is the bachelorette Mary Flaten of West High fame.
Bumpersticker of the week: Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW!!
A few great man-rules sent to us by "Charger Chuck" from Huntington Beach, CA
1) Moaning about the brand of free beer in your buddy's fridge is forbidden - but bitching if it's warm is perfectly acceptable.
2) You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for a laugh, she's officially your girlfriend.
3) A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
4) Never, ever talk to a guy in a bathroom unless you are both on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. All other situations just require an almost imperceptible nod.
5) If you have crazy, freaky monkey sex with a girl who was formerly "just a friend", the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to NAIL HER AGAIN before the discussion occurs about what a mistake it was.
Smoking Ban Passes!!!
Thank Christ!!! We know most bar owners were against the ban - not us. Boyd has never smoked and Chris has been smoke-free for two months now (no booze either - it's the apocalypse!!!). The beauty of it is, once it's in effect, you can hang out by the Tiki Bar and still smoke em up if you want since that's considered outdoors. Awesome. We heard there was a bar in Chicago where the owner just put three holes in the outside wall big enough for your head and two hands so you could be "outside" and smoke. Damn funny. Guess he got away with it too. Wish they'd ban huge tits in a bar so girls had to do the same thing. Sure make for some fun walks down the sidewalk.
Couple weird things about the ban
#1: It doesn't go into effect until July 5th, 2010. Interesting date. Maybe it's so the rednecks can still light fireworks with their cigarette inside the bar for another year. Also weird that they waited over a year to put it into effect. Here's the reasoning: Second-hand smoke is bad for you -but another year won't kill ya. We think.
#2: They exempted the Indian casinos. WTF!!! Maybe it has something to do with their "sovereignty" which they always claim when they see a law they don't want to obey. Maybe they just like to "smoke-um the peace pipe" while they use their monopoly to take money from people who can't afford to lose it (who are idiots for being their too - no sympathy). Either way, it's bullshit and just a payback for campaign donations. Wonder if bars in "The Rez" are exempt? Maybe that would be a way for bar owners who want to keep smoking to get around the ban - move to the REZ!!!!
That's all for this week lushes...... photos of the week are below
Boyd & Chris
The Sardine Can "Always Packed"
